Chaos and what we can do

As per my last post, the constant blessing that I have been going through and then the realization that even my suffering has been blessing has thrown me rather out of control as to where I stand.

Coming to terms with the fact that you have to learn how to have faith as much when everything is going your way as when it isn't gets easier with time, but the realizations that come along with this only make things more complicated and thus interesting. These realizations for me have been linked to doubts as to the nature and staying power of my current condition, as well as out rite malicious attacks from the past, as it tries to exact its pound of flesh from me.

This very morning I was attacked by guilt at my recent lack of ability to handle money. Now of course this is not an issue now, nor was it legitimately back then as my lack of ability with money stemmed from my lack of ability to secure employment, which everyone was dealing with back then anyway. It did not change the fact that it crept up in the waking moments to whisper fool little nothings in my ear. I drove it away with the power that has been given to me and also with simple reasoning. Even if my past mistakes were bad, and they have been distressingly not so, they are past and can not be changed. Regret, however real an emotion is a waste of time. Now all the learning that can come from the past is good, but that is the only benefit from such reflections. Protracted shame is a demonic waste of time.

But where does that leave me now? I can learn from the past, but G-d can change even that to make it good. I don't mean to say that all things are good, just that G-d can and does turn all things to good. One would think that this leads to a happy state of being in which everything is bright and wonderful. Not so. The evil becomes more noticeable. The suffering of others becomes more real. The desire to love becomes stronger. In short, there is a whole new perspective and state of being with its own issues, but the fundamental reference points for so much of human existence, suffering, pain, rewards, death, aren't quite they way they were before. Death has lost its power here and is never coming back to full force.

Once the realization of this sets in, at least for me, up is no longer up and down is no longer down. Things tend to get a little out of control and chaos sets in. Trying to control it only sets me back a little more than I want to be in the world of death. Not all the way mind you. Just enough of my thoughts go back there that it gets uncomfortable. Instead, I find it best to embrace this chaos and go full force with love and power in every way I can. let it seep into every crack. Everything good that can be got away with should be. This is not a normal state of being, and people who experience it should not try to be something they aren't. Namely, normal.

Its in this chaos, that G-d seams to be expanding out in all direction and into all things until his kingdom comes and his will is done, and then he will go further. We are part of this and have the opportunity to do the same.