Equilibrium

In pushing harder and going farther, I have encountered my common tendency to go just a little too hard at times. This time it was sleep deprivation. I was in fact seeing things at the end of last week. Still though, I went to work and did school and all that, but I felt more and more like a machine with less emotions than usual. I am comfortable with that state of mind, but having been exposed to other realities of freedom and joy, it just didn't cut it anymore. I had to get out.

Sleep was the only option. Now, this has been a complicated subject for me before as I have some level of disorder when it comes to sleep. Insomnia runs in the family. But more than anything, it was legalism. From reading all my other work, you will know that I profess a spirituality of freedom and grace and shun legalism whenever it raises its ugly and ultimately dejected and sorry head. However, making the link between what I believe and every aspect of my life is a work in progress. You will also know from reading my work that I believe our spirituality informs every aspect of our lives without us even knowing it at times. This makes it all the more apparently strange that I would be so effected by legalism in this aspect, but I just am obsessed with self denial in many ways.

I think this is problematic in the long run. When it came to my sleeping patterns, I did brake down and force my self to rest. It was good. Afterwards, I felt fully ready to go at it full force. And so I am now. This realization though that accepting and embracing every aspect of ourselves, including our weakness as biological beings is truly needed is what I am still coming to grips with though. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to have limitations. I want to do anything and everything. But then, I there is loss of sight of the binary relationship between my and the divine and I fall back on mere humanism. It is written that in our weakness, his strength is made perfect. Even though I have seen this many times, it is a lesson I continue to learn.

For now, I begin to embrace weakness and find my strength in the process of rest and renewal. Maybe this will lead to new realizations and greater freedom. It must, as it is a brake from slavery to legalism. May the divine inform and transform this too.

I find equilibrium in dependence on that greater power.