Chaos and what we can do

As per my last post, the constant blessing that I have been going through and then the realization that even my suffering has been blessing has thrown me rather out of control as to where I stand.

Coming to terms with the fact that you have to learn how to have faith as much when everything is going your way as when it isn't gets easier with time, but the realizations that come along with this only make things more complicated and thus interesting. These realizations for me have been linked to doubts as to the nature and staying power of my current condition, as well as out rite malicious attacks from the past, as it tries to exact its pound of flesh from me.

This very morning I was attacked by guilt at my recent lack of ability to handle money. Now of course this is not an issue now, nor was it legitimately back then as my lack of ability with money stemmed from my lack of ability to secure employment, which everyone was dealing with back then anyway. It did not change the fact that it crept up in the waking moments to whisper fool little nothings in my ear. I drove it away with the power that has been given to me and also with simple reasoning. Even if my past mistakes were bad, and they have been distressingly not so, they are past and can not be changed. Regret, however real an emotion is a waste of time. Now all the learning that can come from the past is good, but that is the only benefit from such reflections. Protracted shame is a demonic waste of time.

But where does that leave me now? I can learn from the past, but G-d can change even that to make it good. I don't mean to say that all things are good, just that G-d can and does turn all things to good. One would think that this leads to a happy state of being in which everything is bright and wonderful. Not so. The evil becomes more noticeable. The suffering of others becomes more real. The desire to love becomes stronger. In short, there is a whole new perspective and state of being with its own issues, but the fundamental reference points for so much of human existence, suffering, pain, rewards, death, aren't quite they way they were before. Death has lost its power here and is never coming back to full force.

Once the realization of this sets in, at least for me, up is no longer up and down is no longer down. Things tend to get a little out of control and chaos sets in. Trying to control it only sets me back a little more than I want to be in the world of death. Not all the way mind you. Just enough of my thoughts go back there that it gets uncomfortable. Instead, I find it best to embrace this chaos and go full force with love and power in every way I can. let it seep into every crack. Everything good that can be got away with should be. This is not a normal state of being, and people who experience it should not try to be something they aren't. Namely, normal.

Its in this chaos, that G-d seams to be expanding out in all direction and into all things until his kingdom comes and his will is done, and then he will go further. We are part of this and have the opportunity to do the same.

Taking and giving

I have been forced to realize of late how much I have been given. At the same time, the realization of just how little I did to get what I have began to set in. Now, it is one thing to learn to trust and accept not being in control when all kinds of bad is going on. It is quite another to do this when it is all good and you have no control over it. That is where I am rite now.

At first, I thought to my self, I am slightly fearful that this will not last, that I will lose all this good, that all that suffering is just around the corner. Then I realized that this was a complete wast of time and a disease in and of itself.

These things don't really work like that. God is not about to drop the other foot. If good is going to happen, it is going to happen. Freedom was embraced and now there is security in that freedom. Even if it was to all fall apart, whatever. It was good while it lasted and it is all dust and shadows in the end. So what next?

All I could really say was, if I really have been given all this and I really did nothing for it and it is here to last, I had better do something to contribute to everyone around me however I can. Freely I have been given to the point of not having to worry. Freely I had better give to justify all this to me self at least. But that is arrogance in its own way. Without love I am nothing.

So how can I love? How can I give? How can I keep the blessing circulating and growing into reality? These are the questions I ask, and I expect interesting answers.

Level up

Not really knowing when this will stop, I have to ask, where does all this new power come from? As I have written before, it comes from a greater power. Call it G-d if you will. More that you may think there is more than is easily imagined in the Universe. It is not a closes system. There is room an a way to expand ever to new levels.

Here and now

Present time. Here and now.

From time to time we look back and feel bound to the past and our actions. Burdened by our failure and even by our success, we find it difficult to innovate and evolve. We do not realize we can expand. The system is not closed. New development is always possible.

Other times we look forward. Into the future and to all we dream and fantasise about. We make plans based on this. We bind our selves to them and worship them. Again we fail to see ourselves in our entirety. We fail to see our selves here and now. In so doing we sacrifice our humanity.

To look back or forward is not wrong, only to be slave to it is limiting. We may take from these times, but not be bound to them. These times are made for us and not the other way around. These only control us if we allow them to.

In reality we are free. Learn from the past and look forward to the future. Live here and now.

Servant

I wish to be servant to all and slave to none! Some may think that the world's problems are too big to salve. Even too big to think or care about. I disagree. This comes from a different perspective on things. I want freedom more than security. I find freedom in love and the outcome of this love is action. Actions to serve and help those around me. I wish to give that I may be full. I wish to bring more in that the Great Family will be complete. I wish to see the kingdom here and now.

Doing more to do more

I decided to take as many classes as I could get away with this semester and to work as much as I could also. I ended up volunteering for quite a few things as well, and lets not forget the parting that is almost mandatory for people like me. When it comes rite down to it, it could be said that I am being extremely fooling because of the amount of work I am subjecting my self to. All I have to say is my detractors know what they are talking about. When I think of the gallons of coffee that will pass through my system and the days of now sleep I will suffer, I cringe. But then I am also faintly curious. I wonder how much I can take. I wonder where my limit is and I am determined to understand it. I also find that the more I do, the better my time management becomes. the more I do, the more I can do. But still I wonder and fear the late night insane blog entries my readers may see. I hope you enjoy. It will be writing under the influence taken to new levels.
I hope everyone is entertained by the part I am about to play in the comedy of life.

Suffering

This last weekend, I worked 20 hours, partied every night, worked out everyday, and did my homework. Looking back on it and after sleeping in as much as I could get away with this morning, I have to say that, although it was painful at times, it was good. Much of it was suffering. Much of it was fun. I valued both. However, I am coming to value the suffering much more than I have in the past because I am finding that it truly is important.

Everyone suffers. Everyone feels pain. Form the starving orphan in Sudan, to the sex slave in Cambodia to the freshmen at Berkeley during finals week. Some suffer more, but there is no reason to feel sorry for the fact you suffer even if your are privileged. It is inescapable.

Because of its unpleasantness and its universality, there have been many different methods developed to cope with it. Some, perhaps most, try to avoid it. A few think they deserve it and wallow in it. A few more try to redirect it, which is still just trying to avoid it. A few others try to detach themselves from it.

All of these responses are fully understandable. However, I hold that they all fall short of taking into account the full reality of human development. As I said, everyone suffers. The approaches I have described to this fact are all attempts to escape or limit this. Even those who feel it is their lot in life are trying to make it easier by making sense of there situation. But still no one gets out of it. A different approach all together is needed to take into account the fullness of reality. To turn it all on its head, accept it and press into it. Do not run from it and do not think you deserve it. Do not Detach you self from experience to escape it. Doing this is like selling your soul. Do not try to side step it or just role with it and pretend it doesn't matter. It does. Or it can. The experience it self can be redeemed if the person experiencing it is redeemed. This redemption can expand out from this person to encompass all of reality. I will say it again.

Everyone suffers. What makes us different is that our suffering is meaningful. We accept it and in so doing accept humanity. As we are redeemed, so we can transform the experience and further redemption. We bring life into death. We resurrect reality. We transform all negative and positive energy and render it as a prayer to the divine.

By this we accept our true selves and our true places. We bring order to chaos. We make useful that which is useless.

Acknowledge, welcome and surrender all things.

Let your life be your prayer.